INTIMACY

Couples today desire “intimacy” yet don’t always know what it is or how to achieve it. Some have a belief in magic where fate or chance leaves the individuals powerless. Such learned helplessness abdicates any sense of ability or responsibility to bring about change. “I don’t love you anymore and therefore I am leaving.” Love and intimacy are reduced to mere feelings that come and go at whim.

Contrary to popular belief, love and intimacy are not fickle feelings that zap us or leave us by chance. They are complex phenomena that include behaviors, feelings, beliefs, thoughts, and will. As these come together in particular manifestations, there is a chemistry that tells us that we love.

“Intimate” comes from the Latin ‘intimus’ meaning ‘inmost’. The noun is a ‘state of being made known’. This root suggests participation in a process rather than a passive acceptance of some external energy. Current dictionary meanings of intimate include ‘familiar’, ‘essential’, ‘intrinsic’, ‘inward’, ‘close in acquaintance’, ‘closely personal’. All of these require active involvement in developing a relationship.

The popular notion of intimacy as sexual union limits the possibilities. Intimacy has many faces: sexual to be sure, but also spiritual, intellectual, emotional, crisis, work and aesthetic. There are many arenas and moments in life when we feel deeply connected to another and for a while stand on the same spot of ground. In these moments we feel less alone; we know another deeply and are truly known.

Intimacy is not a state to be achieved but an ongoing journey that pulses with separateness and togetherness. Relationships are in constant flux. We don’t maintain the same degree of closeness at all times. There is a moving in and out that is normal and healthy. Aware couples keep tabs on how much space they need. They learn to stay connected even during those periods when one needs more space. Intimacy is not about being joined at the hip, spending all your time together or disclosing dark secrets. It is about learning how to manage the rhythm of apartness and togetherness, how to share yourself at deep levels with your partner.

Intimacy is after all a gift, not a given. It comes to those who are intentional in keeping in touch, in communicating openly, in looking forward to time together, in taking the partner into consideration as decisions are made and tasks unfold. Like happiness, intimacy more often is experienced, not when we seek it directly, but as a byproduct when we are faithful in attending to the needs of a dynamic relationship.

Any relationship needs nurturing in order to survive, let alone thrive. That means spending quality time doing pleasurable things together, conversations that allow each to learn what makes the other tick, time to relax and soak up the comfort of being around this dear friend. It demands discipline and will to ensure that the busyness of work and lifestyle doesn’t drain your most significant relationship.

For years I have passed along to couples a simple formula for keeping their relationship alive. Partners need to spend three regular blocks of time together; a minimum of 15 minutes per day in conversation (not about who is picking up the kids or who is calling the repair man but personal conversation about how you are really doing today); a longer block (3+ hours) of an evening or a part of a day once a week, enjoying a shared activity (not a work activity or watching a movie but a pleasurable, fun activity where you are eyeball-to-eyeball); and an overnight or weekend away at least 3 times per year. This formula is for a mediocre relationship. Want more than mediocre? Add more quality time to each time slot. Some relationships starve to death from lack of time and attention. Even couples with a strong relationship go through dry periods where they feel more distant from one another. Rediscovering how to be up close and personal demands patient attention, will, and carefully planned action. Intimacy is more verb than noun.