Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
Written by Dr. Shirley Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli. Paperback published by Free Press 2004 (original hardcover published in 2003 under the Title Not “Just Friends”: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal)
There are a number of books I stock in my practice to pass on to my clients at my cost so they can avoid the delay of having to find it in the bookstore. Not Just Friends is the book that leaves my shelf most often.
Almost everyone has thought about the possibility (or impossibility) of experiencing an affair both as one who has an affair and as one who is betrayed. We think we know how we would handle it if our partner had an affair: “I’d kill them”, “I’d kick them out!”, “I’d leave”, “I’d fall apart”, “I’d cheat on them”, “I wouldn’t care”. We think we know how and why affairs happen. We think it would never happen to us. We think we’re not the kind who cheats.
In reality, if an affair happens we find ourselves lost with no roadmap to guide our way. Shirley Glass wrote this book in 2003 after 28 years of research and practice in the area of marital affairs. Because of her wealth of experience and knowledge she was able to take the risk of highlighting our fallacies and misconceptions in this very complex area. This book courageously attacks such myths as “Affairs don’t happen to healthy relationships”. But what I most like about this hefty (400+ page) resource is that it quickly goes beyond the theoretical and instructs readers in how to overcome. There are not only chapters but whole sections on how affairs develop, the trajectory of the trauma of discovery, coping and healing yourself, and repairing the marriage. It is compassionate, non-judgmental, positive, and hopeful, and is written for both men and women, the person who has had (or is still having) an affair, and the partner who has been betrayed. There is even a compassionate and helpful section for the affair partner. There are sections for those who decide to stay married, for those who become single, and for those who need help to decide whether to stay or go. It is full of graphs, charts, quizzes, references and footnotes and is fully indexed, but it is easily read by the non-professional. This is a brilliant book that continues to change so many lives in permanent positive ways.